I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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