someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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