a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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