Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
