I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
