I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
