You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
