the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
NoShamevember. You game?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
