winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
