So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
