We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
