She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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