You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
