is your mom at the bar?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
