Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
