he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
