you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
