So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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