If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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