you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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