her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
