the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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