I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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