you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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