she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
