So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
