you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
