My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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