i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
