Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
