Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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