Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
