She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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