i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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