She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
