Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
