Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
