After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
