so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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