Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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