o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
