when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
