whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
