yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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