Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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