but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
