Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
