Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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