I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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