I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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