Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
