new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
