im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
