All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
