Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
