I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
from now on my penis is your penis
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
