woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
