she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
